Breathe....not breathing...ouch....

I haven't written any updates on this here blog because typing and mousing makes my right hand numb. Oh, and did I mention that the beautiful Fugue movement of Britten's 3rd cello suite is giving me tendonitis?? Yeah....I find myself not able to breathe and sustain simultaneously. Actually, perhaps the not even looked at once Fantastico movement (which is not so fantastico in my mind right now) is psychologically giving me tendonitis of the brain. At least I'm practicing. And it's great. Now I've truly become masochistic. The true definition of the word.

Being your own personal cheerleader

Nobody's going to stand by my bed and cheer me on as I stuggle to get out of it at 7 a.m. While I sit at the computer, dicking around, nobody is there holding the "Team Carolyn" banner and chanting softly at first and then with mounting excitment, "go Carolyn, go Carolyn, go Carolyn...." My cheerleaders wouldn't be annoying though. They would blow sunshine up my ass at just the right moment...Well, this morning they're not here so I'm doing it myself and getting OFF the computer!!!

The Voice

Okay folks...so it's exactly 36 days until I sit down in front of an audience and play these enormous works. Have I been practicing? (doubtful tone, tilted head, one slow blink followed by an even longer and slower blink, shake of the head and one audible sucking of the teeth). My subconscious is a bitch. But seriously though. How does one kill that disdainful, destructive "voice" in my head? We'll call her Steve. It's particularly loud and obnoxious when I'm trying to learn something...something new and difficult. It's been so loud lately and I've been dealing with it by trying to avoid any confrontation with it and not practicing. And yet this of course only adds to the volume and severity of Steve. Ok, so what if I pretend to feel crazy positive and kind of fake it for a while until Steve starts to get all confused and discombobulated and then she has her own little crisis and decides to move out? It sounds easier than it is I think and now frankly I'm feeling a little schizophrenic. But I think I may be on to something here. I have a little 6 year old student who yesterday came into his lesson to tell me that he doesn't want to play the cello. I was pretty sure he meant just not today, but who knows. But he crossed his arms, frowned his face, pouted his lips and looked at me through his eyebrows. My first reaction was, well, I don't feel like teaching. Too bad for us? right? But then instead I went into this whole rigmarole about how he has to first turn that frown upside down and that when he plays his cello it's like he's giving me a gift (and anyone else that hears him) and it's a special gift--only one that he can give and it's full of love and joy and happiness. It was quite a scene actually. He was sort of stunned at first...but then I realized he was just caught up on the word gift and it sent him spiraling into thoughts of Santa and Toy R Us. He ended up not playing a single note, but at least he didn't feel like crying. So, what does this have to do with ANYTHING??? Not sure really...but I think it may have something to do with practicing what you preach and just turning that frown upside down.