A Cellist Grows in Brooklyn

fresh

2007-04-24T22:26:00.000-05:00

I'm back... ready to write again. Lots has happened since the last entry. I realize now just how intense my late winter was. I ended up actually really hurting myself trying to put on that damn recital. The recital I never did. Well, it's been a while now since that whole crisis unfolded. Yet, rehashing it now, almost two months later, feels like a good way of confronting unhealthy patterns that are slowly emerging again. So, what happened? I didn't practice at first because I was lazy. Then I didn't practice because I was stressed. Then the panic set in and I finally motivated to practice and learned the stuff. I was actually doing pretty well, that is when I wasn't experiencing mental collapse which is a side effect of self doubt and insecurity. But three weeks before the concert the "you suck, you can't do this" feeling was kind of overwhelming. At the same time, I was totally not taking care of myself physically. Not excercising, not eating well, feeling like shit inside out. Questioning basically everything. My mental state triggered a physical reaction--nerve impingement. I had to cancel the concert. I had completely unraveled, but it was so good. I was inspired, instantly, to nurture myself. I almost forgot what that felt like recently. But, you know, I'm only human. I fall back and then I pick myself up and start again. Oh, and I learned something that I already knew about myself--I like playing with other people. Not so much all by myself.

Breathe....not breathing...ouch....

2007-02-21T23:55:00.000-05:00

I haven't written any updates on this here blog because typing and mousing makes my right hand numb. Oh, and did I mention that the beautiful Fugue movement of Britten's 3rd cello suite is giving me tendonitis?? Yeah....I find myself not able to breathe and sustain simultaneously. Actually, perhaps the not even looked at once Fantastico movement (which is not so fantastico in my mind right now) is psychologically giving me tendonitis of the brain. At least I'm practicing. And it's great. Now I've truly become masochistic. The true definition of the word.

Being your own personal cheerleader

2007-02-12T08:14:00.000-05:00

Nobody's going to stand by my bed and cheer me on as I stuggle to get out of it at 7 a.m. While I sit at the computer, dicking around, nobody is there holding the "Team Carolyn" banner and chanting softly at first and then with mounting excitment, "go Carolyn, go Carolyn, go Carolyn...." My cheerleaders wouldn't be annoying though. They would blow sunshine up my ass at just the right moment...Well, this morning they're not here so I'm doing it myself and getting OFF the computer!!!

The Voice

2007-02-01T11:38:00.000-05:00

Okay folks...so it's exactly 36 days until I sit down in front of an audience and play these enormous works. Have I been practicing? (doubtful tone, tilted head, one slow blink followed by an even longer and slower blink, shake of the head and one audible sucking of the teeth). My subconscious is a bitch. But seriously though. How does one kill that disdainful, destructive "voice" in my head? We'll call her Steve. It's particularly loud and obnoxious when I'm trying to learn something...something new and difficult. It's been so loud lately and I've been dealing with it by trying to avoid any confrontation with it and not practicing. And yet this of course only adds to the volume and severity of Steve. Ok, so what if I pretend to feel crazy positive and kind of fake it for a while until Steve starts to get all confused and discombobulated and then she has her own little crisis and decides to move out? It sounds easier than it is I think and now frankly I'm feeling a little schizophrenic. But I think I may be on to something here. I have a little 6 year old student who yesterday came into his lesson to tell me that he doesn't want to play the cello. I was pretty sure he meant just not today, but who knows. But he crossed his arms, frowned his face, pouted his lips and looked at me through his eyebrows. My first reaction was, well, I don't feel like teaching. Too bad for us? right? But then instead I went into this whole rigmarole about how he has to first turn that frown upside down and that when he plays his cello it's like he's giving me a gift (and anyone else that hears him) and it's a special gift--only one that he can give and it's full of love and joy and happiness. It was quite a scene actually. He was sort of stunned at first...but then I realized he was just caught up on the word gift and it sent him spiraling into thoughts of Santa and Toy R Us. He ended up not playing a single note, but at least he didn't feel like crying. So, what does this have to do with ANYTHING??? Not sure really...but I think it may have something to do with practicing what you preach and just turning that frown upside down.

This is me

2007-01-25T13:32:00.000-05:00

A prolile

Me and my cute husband

I ate this. It was mighty tasty.

Balance

2007-01-23T11:16:00.000-05:00

One of the most difficult problems I face everyday is finding balance. Most days, as of late, have been veritable failures as far is this is concerned. With my rocking new bed (and kick ass sheets!) getting up in the morning is basically impossible. Often because I'm up from 5-7:30 panicing about how unbalanced my life is. Of course just when the first alarm goes off (there are about 5-8 snoozes each morning)I am finally in the midst of blissful sleepy time--on some beach in the bahamas getting a massage or something. The thought of getting up and facing my day is painful. Then when I do get up I really only have time to do some basic stuff...So when am I supposed to fit in the real work I need to do plus the mind/body stuff. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted and stressed out! Is the only solution to force myself out the most treasured part of my day?? Wake up at 5 am when I'm stressing and do some yoga? At this point, I've been down this road so many times...altered my lifestyle for like a week maybe more and then usually I find myself back in my current state. Some words flying around my head right now...work ethic (no work ethic), failure, and a desire for peace. In my early morning insomnia I had the thought that I should leave New York. I'm kind of yearning right now for a warmer more simplistic life. Does that even exist? Probably not. Do you think they need a cellist in the Bahama string quartet, a group that incorporates massage along with breakfast, lunch and dinner?

So, I know how this looks

2007-01-18T12:16:00.000-05:00

And the truth is, it is just how it looks. One day I'm all hard core with the intensive detailed practice schedule and then I drop off the face of the earth. Once my life started to get a little hectic with my teaching schedule, rehearsing, and then taking care of Dan, I completely stopped practicing. Scary, because now it's just two weeks closer to my recital. I like to refer to this program as the one I was smoking crack when I chose it. Two cello suites--that means memorized--one Bach, one Britten. I am now...let see, 6 weeks away!!! Sounds like a lot, but it's not!!! Especially when the music is not yet learned!!! OK...waiting for the panic to set in...

with frustrating regularity...

2007-01-03T10:45:00.000-05:00

I managed to accomplish the first part of my practice schedule yesterday, but not surprisingly, I did not come back after my extended break. True, I had lots to do and I did get 2 hours in... But now I'm just disappointed in myself for once again, not reaching my goal. Today, I slept until 10:30. At 8:30 I had a little conversation with myself which reminded me of a performance I saw a couple of days ago by this woman who is called Dynasty Handbag. It's just this one woman who's character is a total fucking mess. Ratty hair in busted curlers, a ripped bathrobe and lipstick all over her face. Anyway, she her show begins with her in bed, trying to get up and start the day. She starts by telling herself, "get up, get up, get up get up...." Then eventually....."get the FUCK up!!! I'm going to fucking kill you if you don't get up...." It's really hard to recreate the whole thing here, but let me just tell you, it's fucking hilarious. AND, not only can I relate to Miss Handbag, but like her, I often loose that battle and go back to sleep. ummm...so now it's like 11. Sweet!

work starts in 15 minutes

2007-01-02T11:28:00.000-05:00

Isn't ridiculous how you feel like you have to go through all of these morning rituals before work can actually begin. For me, it can be a 4 hour process. Making breakfast, coffee, eating, cleaning up, shower or no shower?? gym or no gym??, stretching, computer, bills, snack....it could really go on like this easily for an entire day. Believe me. But, today, I will be getting to work after two waking hours pass. Not too bad.

My practice plan: 1/2/2007
12-1 warm-up, scales and arpegg, octaves and double stop excercises (I have these great and somewhat evil books by Cassia Harvey called Double Stop Musings that I recommend if you're in to torturing yourself...but you feel buff after)

1:15-2:15 Britten
45 minutes of mvt VIII (presto) slowly and gradually with metronome
15 minutes review of recently "learned" mvts

Break

3:30-4:30 Britten
30 minutes of presto...continue where I left off
30 minutes of mvt VI (Andante espressivo)

I know this is pretty ambitious...but there is really no reason that this can't be done. I'll keep updating on my progress.

Happy New Year!

2006-12-31T22:50:00.000-05:00

well...it's kind of funny how New Years often turns out. Tonight, I had no expectations or plans really. The only plan was that I was going to pick my husband up at the airport--finally home after a month long tour of Europe. All I cared about today was having a chill evening of homecoming happiness. Sadly for him, he is nearly incapacitated right now and is hopefully soundly sleeping... that after a month of not sleeping, being in an uncomfortable van followed by a long plane ride he is now home but with excruciating not moving kind of back pain. So with one hour of 2006 left, I am contently home, nursing my love as best I can. I have thoughts of a great year past. Enjoying a nice glass of wine and listening to the 3rd Haydn piano concerto...a new favorite. I have a really good feeling about the coming year. Of course you really never do know what life will throw at you, but I feel positive about this coming year. In fact, not that I was speaking of "resolutions," but my official new years resolution is to direct positive energy and light into myself and everything around me. Well, one day at a time...

The Procrastinator does what she does best...

2006-12-29T14:37:00.000-05:00

It's unbelievable how many things I can manage to do INSTEAD of practicing. It seems simple enough? Sit down and work. Yet, I here I am writing a blog...about not practicing! No, it's not really going to be just about that. The purpose of this blog...well, truth be told, it really does feel like an inception of a brand new way to not practice. It is true that I am sitting at the computer and typing--and not working at the moment. But, I hope in the long run I will gain some insight as to why it is a struggle and how best to deal with it. Also, maybe I can be helpful to the many many other people who have trouble doing their work, practice, etc. So, if somebody out there in cyberspace is, like me, procrastinating their ass off and feels inclined to comment, advise, whatever, I welcome you with an open mind that is willing and hoping to change.