fresh

I'm back... ready to write again. Lots has happened since the last entry. I realize now just how intense my late winter was. I ended up actually really hurting myself trying to put on that damn recital. The recital I never did. Well, it's been a while now since that whole crisis unfolded. Yet, rehashing it now, almost two months later, feels like a good way of confronting unhealthy patterns that are slowly emerging again. So, what happened? I didn't practice at first because I was lazy. Then I didn't practice because I was stressed. Then the panic set in and I finally motivated to practice and learned the stuff. I was actually doing pretty well, that is when I wasn't experiencing mental collapse which is a side effect of self doubt and insecurity. But three weeks before the concert the "you suck, you can't do this" feeling was kind of overwhelming. At the same time, I was totally not taking care of myself physically. Not excercising, not eating well, feeling like shit inside out. Questioning basically everything. My mental state triggered a physical reaction--nerve impingement. I had to cancel the concert. I had completely unraveled, but it was so good. I was inspired, instantly, to nurture myself. I almost forgot what that felt like recently. But, you know, I'm only human. I fall back and then I pick myself up and start again. Oh, and I learned something that I already knew about myself--I like playing with other people. Not so much all by myself.